The Perfect Politician

Dinosaur that I am, I still get my e-mail on AOL, and every time I sign on they beam me some new bit of news unfit to print.

But not today. Today I learned that Washington,obviously a state filled with smart people, had elected two dead men to public office.

This is a fine precedent, and we need to seek out and elect more dead candidates for every office in the land. Forget the dead souls both parties offer us as choice and elect those who are really, most sincerely dead.

Dead men" tell no tales", nor do they commit adultery or take bribes. Imagine! A candidate immune to the eavesdropping of the NSA. Of no interest to the FBI.

Unable to talk, they will make no promises, and they will not be asking for money. No one will ever ask them to "Approve this Message". They have already been on the Ultimate Junket- their Appointment in Samarra- so no jet will ever take them on any fact finding mission that costs tax payers millions.

Dead men do not filibuster! They need not campaign! Their wives do not need to stand by their man, for dead men do not put pictures of themselves in their underwear on the Internet and send them to young blonde women.

Imagine a candidate who is safely buried in the mud, and has no need to sling it at his opponent! No one can scream he is too far to the left or right of this side or that. No one can snicker that he is morbidly obese, or is a secret Muslim, or spends his night passed out in bars. The worse his opponent can say of him is that he is a corpse- Well, aren't we all! Eventually.


Start fielding dead men, and I will vote for them! I will even work on their campaign and help them with their slogans.

I will be glad to be a member of the Coffin Party. In spirit anyway, since I am not ready to join them in their narrow, underground bunker just yet.